Grocery Bagger — A respectable first job. I had the fastest bagging hands in the Midwest.

Bagel Baker — I was the 5 am bagel guy at Bruegger’s for 2 years. I have the oven scars to prove it.‍ ‍

Attic insulation blower truck…guy — Thought I wanted a construction job. Turns out I did not. This job lasted 2 days because the heat was unbearable and the insulation made me itchy. Also, I almost lost an arm.

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YMCA soccer coach — As a teenager, I taught 5-year-olds the value of teamwork. And how you shouldn’t throw or eat grass.

Record store clerk — A mall job in Eau Claire, back when everyone still bought cds. We listened to music and had arguments about Slipknot being a legit band.

Pizza maker — I worked at Pizza Hut for 2 days. I don’t think I ever got the hang of it.

Canoe factory — At We-no-nah Canoe, I scorched my hands dragging hot plastic sheets over canoe molds. Somehow, I was also trusted with a rivet gun.

Warm liquid goo picnic table dunker — You know that rubbery coating on picnic tables? Somewhere in Winona, there’s a team of depressed factory workers dunking metal picnic tables into warm rubber goo. That’s how they’re made I guess.

Cutco knife salesman — Very happy I could supply all my friends and their moms with awesome cutlery for a month.

Tradewinds Advertising — At first this looked like an advertising gig, perfect for college kid studying advertising. But in reality, this is a cult of door-to-door salespeople. They do morning chants to pump each other up, then knock on doors for 8 hours selling punch cards. I excused myself to the restroom, then escaped.

Sod Roller — Back into the construction biz! I rolled sod all summer and made lawns pretty, all while keeping hydrated with 40 oz of Mickeys. My skin was tan and my arms were jacked.

House Painter — My mom set me up with a house painter named Keith who had too many DWI’s. For one summer, I drove him around in his vintage Volkswagen bus and tried not to fall off of ladders.

Motherboard tester — There’s a factory in the middle of Lewiston, MN that tests John Deere tractor motherboards. You put the motherboard in a machine and hit a button. Green = good. Red = bad. That was the job.

Hard drive disc cleaner — There’s another factory in the middle of Rochester, MN that’s filled with giant whirring machines that make hard drive discs shiny. You load the machine, hit go, and wait 10 minutes. I learned two Somalian words from working here, so it wasn’t all for nothing.

Organ runner / janitor — This was a temp custodial position at a hospital. They paged me when it was time to go down to surgery and pick up a styrofoam cooler filled with human organs. I never looked inside, but I really wanted to. We would also drop off coolers of food to the prison for some reason.

Cliff elevator installer — My uncle owns a company called Cliff Climber. They’re little cars on rails that go down steep hills so that rich Wisconsin property owners don’t have to take the stairs to the lake. He left me in charge of building these things for days. So far, no one has died from my shoddy construction.

Box factory loader — The shift started at 11:00. For 8 hours I’d load stacks of cardboard into a machine and watch it fold the boxes into shape. I did this for three nights straight, then wake up in time to concept for Brainco.

Starbucks barista — I worked at the very first MN Starbucks with a drive-thru. Located in Edina, I served high-class soccer moms in their giant SUVs faster and better than anyone. I can still sling.

Appraiser consultant — Wells Fargo had a department of people who assigned appraisers to loans across America. My territory was New York. I got to know a lot of great New Yorkers, but was also accused of “busting balls.” I felt so cool when they said that.

UPS runner — The holidays required extra helpers for UPS drivers. Who do you think volunteered for that gig? This guy! I jumped out of moving trucks and ran packages wherever my chain-smoking driver told me to go.

Caribou barista — This is the last job I had before my first advertising gig in Detroit, Michigan. Want my opinion? Starbucks has better coffee and Caribou has better sugary drinks.